Mid Week Nacho Break: The Memorial from a Wrestling Geek's POV

Fellas,

The idea for my first post took me about 7 seconds to conceive. Some of you have only known me for a little while, but there are a couple of things most of you know about me by now:

1. I love Nachos (or at least commercials about people stuffing them under their shirts and then arguing about it).

2. I HATE being scared.

With that said, I also love the NBA and Pro Wrastlin'. Since no one other than me and about 7 other people in the world like the NBA (yeah Bowler!!) this post will revolve around the amazingly entertaining world of Pro Wrastlin'. I've only been a competitor for 1 year, so feel free to verbally teabag me if I'm out of line.

Today I was sitting in my favorite bathroom stall at work and reading this very blog when I thought that it would be funny as balls to do a comparison of all of the competitors to the great heroes of our past. I think that there is actually SOME merit to this, considering we give trophies out for enthusiasm, best puke, etc. Basically, these are awards that thank the competitor for entertaining the HELL out of us. This is much like wrestling in that not only does the person's physical/athletic prowess factor in to what makes them great, but also the way they entertain. For instance, the King is an amazing competitor. His measurables are in line or better than most. But, this is just the tip of the ole' iceberg. What's the first thing that pops into my head when thinking of last year? You guessed it! King's bortclad meltdown. Now that's some quality entertainment!!!!!! Rememeber, these are only my thoughts on what I witnessed last year, what I saw on tape, and what I know of you personally.......Enjoy:

Sean " The Heartbreak Kid" Michaels: Greg "The Beekeeper" Plundo
HBK is one of the best of all time. He's brash and cocky yet fundamentally brilliant. This is Craig. His chugging form is right out of the texbook. He can talk with the best of them, and has the experience and skills to back it up. HBK's showstopping finishing move " Sweet Chin Music" reminds me a ton of Greg's colossal vomit in last year's Memorial in that everything seemed to stop for a second and then sent bystanders into a frenzy!!!

The Undertaker : "BlueBeard"

This one was kind of too easy. Beard is a calm and collected guy that dominates a little behind-the-scenes. The Undertaker has always been this way as well despite his undefeated WrestleMania streak and numerous titles. You would think that after killing 2 beers in around 10 seconds last year to start of the Memorial that Beard would have at least talked a little shit. Nope, he just nodded and then hammered his bonus beer.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: SweaTy

Every time Stone Cold took the ring you knew that you were in for a show. He always had a bottomless pit of an appetite for tearing people a new ass and chugging beers. This makes me think of our very own SweaTy. Both of these fine men want to not only dominate opponents, but completely obliterate any cans of beer placed in front of them.

Bill Goldberg: Tyler "Rhino" Stegeman

Much like Goldberg, Rhino came onto the scene with some hype and fanfare. Some questioned King's Paul Bunyan-like tall tales of him. But much like Goldberg's streak of 173 victories, Rhino exceeded lofty expectations.

<-----Waddya think of these borts King?!?!?!?!

Bret Hart: Kevin "Mr.300" Bowler

"The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. " Although never given enough credit during his career, that is how most wrestling fans remember The Hitman. Mr. 300 has yet to win an MVP despite being a 3-time champ and technically proficient in all aspects of The Memorial. Will he have to spit in the boss' face to get his due? Or will we all be witness to a Boulder, CO Screwjob? Only time will tell....

HHH (young version): Nacho



Hunter Hearst Helmsley (HHH) came onto the scene and showed serious potential not only in the ring, but on the mic. I can only hope to develop into what HHH has become, which is one of the most entertaining and consistent performers in sports entertainment. Really, I'd just like to do some chugs to his entrance music.


Hulk Hogan: Dan "Crazylegs" Conte



Ok, let's get this out of the way. We ALL love America. But ala the Hulkster, Legs really takes his patriotism seriously and sometimes just gets in your face about it. He's serenaded King via cellphone to Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red White & Blue" and even provides American flags to guests at random cookouts in the Arlington, VA area. Furthermore, both of these men are leaders. No one questioned the Hulkster, no one.



John Bradshaw Layfield (JBL): Josh "Biz" Becker





JBL came to the WWE with stories of making millions in stock trading. Biz came to The Memorial with stories of Jigs' Jr. 1 Bedrooms and betting thousands of dollars on Royals games. But don't be fooled, both of these men are hard nosed competitors that don't mind playing a little dirty. Now if Biz could only execute a "Clothesline From HELLLL!!!!!!!" we'd be all set.





Rick Flair: Matt "Rattsfield" Plundo





Savvy, smart, tactical, wizard-like, sneaky, conniving, manipulative..... these are all words that I can use to describe The Nature Boy and Ratt. Ratt's egg-tossing skills supposedly put The Memorial in a Figure Four Leglock every year. Much like the Nature Boy tells us about his past ring conquests, Ratt tells us of past shuttle run, egg toss, and eliminator conquests. I'm excited and nervous to see it all in person this year.



"Macho Man" Randy Savage: Matt "Thunder" Dahar:



Hilarious outfits? Check. Original facial hair patterns? Check. Roundhouse kicks to the face and/or top row elbow drops? ooooohhhh yeeeaaahhhh!!!!!!!





I can't wait to see this guy in action!!!!!!!!

Arn Anderson: Grant "Mughandle" Holloway:

Grant reminded me of Arn because Arn (one of my favorite wrestlers ever BTW) always walked around with a quite confidence. Yet, much like Handle's beastly chugs and dead man's carry, when tasked with taking down his opponent, he does it with a ruthless sense of superiority usually reserved for prison rapists.

"Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig: Jon " The J-Man" Cobb





Talk about some spiteful SOB's!!!!!!!!!!! You wouldn't let these two date your worst enemies daughters, yet we'd all love to have these guys in our corner. Hennig was the perfect pro wrestler. The J-Man's spitefullness, love for hazing, verbal bashings of Biz, laughter at Ecker stories, and use of many vices make him a prototype for The Memorial.