So since I sort-of committed to bringing some kind of entertainment every Wednesday leading up to this year's Memorial, I figured I'd focus one last time on last year.
Being my first Memorial, I was honestly "King-before-a-Pens-game excited." I was also extremely nervous. I was confident in my drinking, being that Legs had me training since November 2008, but wasn't confident in how I'd do drinking after running. My 163rd foot injury occured two months prior to the start of the Memorial, and that coupled with all of the training beers put me about 15 lbs. overweight. Legs insisted that I would be fine, but game films from previous years told me otherwise, and the moment I left Guffy cabin I vowed to myself to be 100% ready from now on. I could tell that this was about more than drinking. I could tell that this was about more than an excuse to wear matching t-shirts. I could tell that this was about more than a reason for SweaTy to wear a perv-stache. What do I think The Memorial is really about you may be asking yourself? Well, I'm not exactly sure, and maybe that's how it should be being that I've only competed for one year. One thing I do know is that it was one hell of a time, and that I will do anything humanly possible to do it every year.
So, I've come up with a list of the top 10 moments from the '09 Memorial. If a moment didn't make the cut, I'm sorry. I pride myself on having a great drunk memory, but if I left something out there is the comments section. A couple things that almost made the cut:
Some of the pukes: Greg's puke Saturday was epic and he took home hardware to prove it. I thought he was really going to die. I vomited alongside my great partner Rick for only the 3rd time in my life. The feeling of chugging those 2 beers at 930am was pure hell. It was almost as bad as listening to Mr. Kuz talk about business while doing military press at the Gbg YMCA. Which reminds me of...........
How's Business??? SweaTy and Biz's team name and Kuz quotes had us rolling all weekend.
Rhino destroying everyone at tug-o-war. Just a force of nature at that event.
Bowler's mustache and the tidal wave of Kip Dynamite jokes that followed.
Jigs', Peezy's, and myself''s use of vices on Sunday morning. I don't think this really needs an explanation.
And now the TOP 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Steve!!!!!
SweaTy's dog Steve will always have a spot in my memory. First, SweaTy let him out of the car and he immediately jumped directly into a mud puddle and rolled around...hilarious! He also swam the entire Canoe Race with us and chased footballs into the lake constantly. Now that's a dog with a winning attitude!
9. Bowler's Nosebleed
Mr. 300 showed up with excitement in his eyes. I had never met him before so I thought it was particularly awesome to see him drink with such aggression the night before the competition that he puked so hard he got a nosebleed. Unbeleivable way to start the weekend.
8. SweaTy's tie-dyed shirt
Any time a guy goes to a mall kiosk to get a shirt made that is tie-dye with no sleeves he deserved some Kudos. This was just the beginning of a weekend full of leadership, teamwork, encouragement, and spirit from our man SweaTy.
7. The Swiminator
This event added SO much to the experience. It started Friday when we mapped out the course with Peezy. Then started the grumbling by guys that don't like to swim (or kinda can't swim). Rhino had a story that I thought was hilarious: He said that while at West Point he was put in the "Rock" category during swimming instruction. Then the event started and it was some of the most exciting action I've ever seen, capped by King's underwater cannonball....more on this later.
6. Jigs' antics
So many memories from this guy I had to condense it into one entry. First, he showed up and immediately cracked up at my Ecker story #168 of 565 from my college years. He then gave Biz the business in a hazing sense for the entire weekend. He rode around in a wheelchair. He talked Bob Seger. He gave Biz some more shit. He got wasted off of everything on Sunday and supposedly spilled wine all over the table at a family dinner......PERFECT!!!!!!!!
5. Mr. Guffey's Friday story
So some of us knew Mr. Guffey prior to this year. I know Beard, myself, and Jigs' know him pretty well. Some of the competitors were a bit nervous as to how he would police his property, but Jigs' and myself tried to calm everyone down by basically saying "wait till you meet this dude, he won't give a shit what we do." Sure enough he showed up about 10 minutes later in a convertible, got out and immediately went into a story that started something like this:
"So me and my buddy got fucked up at a titty bar last night. This chick with huge tits comes up to us"......and you get the idea. It sent a few of us into hysterics which only made Mr. Guffey get more excited and embellish his story a bit more.
4. Beard's morning 4-beer chug
I mentioned this in last week's post. This was unreal to me. Here I am at my first Memorial and this guy steps up right after brushing his teeth and kills two beers in I believe under 10 seconds (time Peezy?). Greg also dominated his beer (obviously considering they won the event) and it went almost unnoticed by me because I was just in awe of Beard's thirst for Busch Light. I was stunned, a little nervous, and excited. Kinda like seeing a vulva for the first time.
3. Legs' Balls
If those 2 horrendous ladies-of-the-night know how to do anything it is make a grown man blush. When they tore Legs' boxers off (while he was laying on the floor of the Guffey cabin!) in front of everyone it sent the room into a frenzy of laughter. Well, except for Rhino who was sitting next to me and saw WAAAAAYYY too much I guess. Legs' reaction was that of shock, uncomfortable laughter, and a little bit of embarrasment. Kinda like seeing a vulva for the first time.
2. The Comraderie
From the time Beard and I were killing food samples at Sam's Club until the time we all departed on Monday, the comraderie of the group was remarkable. It definitely takes you back and honestly made me feel younger. Everyone cheers for everyone, everyone gives their all for everyone, everyone laughs at everyone. SweaTy led the world in "get a good beer" screams and it worked on me every time. I think I can speak for the rest of last year's rookie class and thank the founding fathers for allowing us to join in on this awesome experience.
One last thing. When I try to explain the Memorial to outsiders they NEVER get it. They start talking about "Beer Olympic" things they've participated in. This used to bother me. I would try the "you don't understand how hard all these guys go" route and it never worked. Everyone has their stories. Some people's stories are just better. That's why I don't care about even telling people about what I do on Memorial Day weekend anymore. Some things aren't meant for the masses.
1. King's Meltdown
So I will put this in order as best as I can. King was in Pens Stanley Cup Final mode at 8am. His speech to Legs' before Blind Man's Beer was like listening to Bob Knight explain the complexities of the weak-side motion offense to a freshman intramural team. He really thought it was necessary to tell Legs' how to roll around in the grass for 15 minutes.
Then, it was almost Swiminator time and out came the now-famous borts. Once The Swiminator was about to begin and youngest Guffey and his friends questioned if we were all gay....NICE!!!!!!!
So, King sprints around the lightposts, dives perfectly into the water, swims his BALLS off, gets onto the deck, smashes his beer, and then does an absolutely perfect..........PENCIL!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..........this was the sound that echoed off of Memorial Lake. He got out of the water, yelled at Peezy that he did a cannonball underwater and then broke into a fit, stomping around like a kid who got his Big Wheels stolen, and then finally begging for Legs' forgiveness. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.........until:
The next event. The Great Canoe Race of '09. Clear and Present Danger, deep in the hunt for first place at the time, flew across that lake. What happened next couldn't be duplicated by a Hollywood film crew. In taking their canoe out of the water, King forgot his paddle back in the shore and it started floating out into the lake. Did Rick and I (we were standing 5 feet away) alert him of this? OF COURSE NOT!! We watched and giggled as King feasted on his beer and turned to the canoe. After chasing down his paddle, King and Legs got back into the canoe.....kind of. They never got the canoe to balance, and capsized city into the lake. They got the canoe and flipped over but it was filled with water by then. This is where I think King realized that his quest for the cup was now buried at the bottom of Memorial Lake. I think everyone laughed as hard as they have in years.
King's meltdown ended Saturday night at Primant's with his head in his hands, thumbs out of course. He never made it to us on Sunday, which is a shame. He laid it ALL on the line that day and ended up an upset, confused, depressed shell of himself. Kinda like a closeted gay seeing a vulva for the first time.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you might need to get yourselves a fresh pair of borts when this one hits the wire! In the world of the Memorial, no one keeps people on the edge of their seats during the offseason quite like Rick Douglas. Many remember his Michael Crabtree-esque holdout from last year and the impromptu check ceremony and follow-up press conference at the 2008 Big East. But one thing has remained consistent, when the bullets start flying in late May, Rick's gonna be standing beside his partner on Memorial Field!
one.
Looks like we'll all get yet another chance to tangle in Rex Kwon Do! Look at that form!
I WANT YOU!
