The Sounds of Silence

I have had enough. 6 months of radio silence has been too much for these ol' legs to bear. Sure, Ratt sucks as a human and doesn't deliver on his duties. That much is clear. But that is what we get for inviting an AIDS riddled lesbian to the Memorial in the first place. Your title of Director of Audio & Visual of The Memorial has been stripped. You are now title-less AND trophy-less. Good luck with that!! I have a suggestion for your next job: I can't wait to cram your head up someone else's ass in a few weeks in the Fantasy championship!!

Enough bitterness. Can you believe it is almost Christmas!? Christmas equals a new year and a new year equals a new Memorial. A new chance to take home the hardware! January is when the invitations go out. I can not express to you the happiness that I get in knowing that we now have a pool of 14 dudes to fill our roster out. It doesn't look like we should ever be scrambling to get that 12th member. Huge. Although I may prefer scrambling than being partnered up with Rat Newhouse in 2011.

Another interesting story is the redevelopment of Memorial Barn. I have not seen it nor have I seen pictures, but the word is that Memorial Barn was used for a wedding reception over the summer and looked to be in pristine condition! For those who saw the clean-up job that Beard did, it is no wonder! But hopefully we don't get an avalanche of snow and rain to derail any progress to The Estate. Although I must admit that I prefer a simpler, shoddy and run down Barn. But regardless, it is 100 times the host that the Red Oak Chalet was.

2010 was an obstacle with Krista's wedding and Beard's wedding falling within 2 weeks of The Memorial. 2011 should be a bit smoother. Joe Nacho's wedding is in June but we all know he'll be slinging nachos at us each Wednesday from St Patty's Day on (as long as he can end his holdout). We lost another single competitor as The J-Man decided to take the long walk off the short pier known as the aisle in October. J-Man marks the 3rd official competitor to be married with Brisket Holloway and Joe Nacho nipping at their heels. If I were a betting man, I would make a bunch of money by betting on me to be the last competitor to get married. Unless I meet some stripper and fall madly in love of course. For those who were not in attendance, I would say that this picture sums up the weekend pretty nicely. Good old Papa Beard. Although, I feel like Means is looking into my soul. What followed this picture was Greg puking like he had just completed Blind Man's Beer! And this was BEFORE the reception! That's what happens when you wake up at 8 am to go watch a Dave Wannstedt coached team. Top it off with a solid helping of Dave Cobb and, voila, Greg is puking!

In summary, we have the following:

-2011 Memorial planning is underway

-Cobb is married; Greg puked

-Ratt sucks at life

See you at Guffy Estate!

Mid Week Nacho Break: THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!!!!!

Gentlemen,
We are almost there. The moment we wait all year for. The moment we've trained our whole lives for. The Memorial.

A few recent happenings have put some questions in play. I, and I'm sure all of you, believe however that these are only minor obstacles.






1. Rick, Ratt, Craig, and Biz are on a bender for the ages. I received a telegram yesterday stating that Rick slept in the suit he wore to Krista's wedding for 3 days straight. Will this affect their performance? If I were a betting man, which in fact I am, I'd put my money on it helping their abilities. But will all of this partying affect the old bones of Ratt and The Biz? We will see. I know that next year I'm just taking this whole week off, going to NYC and getting absolutely destroyed with Biz and whoever else wants to participate in The Memorial takes Manhattan.

2. I hear Ratt came down with some sickness and Larry sent him some antibiotics and told him
"You can't be sick for The Memorial." This is just amazing.

3. How will The King handle his obviously exagerrated 50 lb.weight gain? When he stares Meltdown Lake in the eye Saturday morning, what will be going through his mind? Am I going to sink? I'm going to get you back you bastard lake!!!!??? Again, we will see. Let's all hope he brings some 5 hour energies though. Those are always a smart way to get pumped up and yell at your partner for 15 minutes leading up to every event.

4. How will Big SweaTy handle an 80 degree sunny day? For SweaTy this is like playing basketball on top of a burning hot stove. How will he handle looking/feeling like he just spent 8 hours doing can-openers into an above ground pool full of Crisco? One things for certain, his enthusiasm, as always, will be at an all time high.

I can't wait until Friday night!! It's almost here. The laughs and High-5's will be flying, the beers will be getting chugged, and Bowler's nose will be gushing blood soon!!! The big question, who will take home The Memorial Cup of Champions, will be answered. This is going to be awesome. I'd like to thank you guys for letting me write this column after only competing once. It means a lot. Next year I plan on going a step further by taking all of the blog columns, adding a page on each competitor, getting people to "pledge" their well wishes to the competitor of their choosing, getting some fake advertisements from Orange's, Dominic's, Harry's, etc. made (get your drawing hand ready Thunder!) and publishing a 4-color Media Guide to be handed out on site.

I will see you at The Guffey Estate!

-Nacho

Mid week nacho break: Tardy as hell addition

Gents,

I sincerely apologize for the tardiness of this post. Work has been driving a 2 foot wang into my blogging time and then for some reason I couldn't access the blog. This won't make up for it, but at least you guys won't starve.

First item of business that I'd like to address is officially naming the landmarks of the property we call home for 3 nights (2 for King and Jigs). You guys can argue about this in the comments but I DO feel very strongly about this subject.

The property as a whole shall be referred to as "The Guffey Estate"

The barn that we sleep in shall be called "Memorial Barn"

The deck on the lake shall be referred to as "Gene's Deck"

The lake that we swim in shall be named "Meltdown Lake"

Any mud on the property shall be referred to as "Steve's bath"

Now that that's decided let me just say that my borts are drenched in a goo that can only be caused by one thing....Memorial fever. The rookie jitters still linger, but I come into this year with a newfound confidence in not only my ability to compete, but more importantly to have even more laughs and high-fives given that I know all of you much better than I did going into last year. I'm excited to see an old friend, Dahar, compete and am also looking forward to see Rattsfield, who I beleive created my nickname, live up to the lofty Plundo Memorial standards. I really can't wait.

Lastly, with new friendships comes new freedoms. It is with this freedom that I feel obligated to show those who haven't seen it a forwarded email (and left it unedited) that I received this week concerning our very own Beekeeper. It's a heartwarming tale of love at first site. Enjoy:

HI I HOPE YOU TRIP WAS VERY WELL

and i would like more time whit you but i don´t understand your friends

jejeje

I wait like mexico but como back an other vacaciones.

nice too me you gregorio!! and wait has a good day

bye bye

sorry for my english

all i gotta say to that is jejejejejejejejejejej!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long Live the King!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that there have been rumors circulating around the blogosphere about who will be our 14th member now that Ricky Tsunami has decided to end his monumentally long hold out. And it is with much excitement and happiness that I am happy to announce the official return of a decorated veteran: a BORTs clad Jon "The King" Plundo!

He was heartbroken to announce back in March that he did not expect to be able to physically perform at the 2010 Memorial due to minor surgery. However, with his doctor's permission and Leeno's failure to object, The King has thrown his hat back into a star studded 2010 ring! Looks like El Jiggerino better break out that hazing pamphlet and see what the rules are for hazing fellow brothers or veterans in our case.

The King states that he intends on being 100% and ready to roll up at Guffey cabin this year! So, for those keeping score at home we have 14 members ready to roll on May 29, along with Peezy the Refereezy of course:

1) Rhino
2) Bowler
3) Legs
4) The King
5) Bluebeard
6) Beekeeper
7) Jiggaman
8) Mughandle
9) Rick Douglas
10) Joe Nacho
11) Sweaty Big
12) Biz
13) Rattsfield
14) Thunder

Huge list. F that "Dream Team" list from 2008. This field dwarfs that field ten-fold!

Mid-Week Nacho Break: Ramblin Gamblin Men

Here is a list of prop bets I've come up with for the 2010 Memorial. Some of these we could actually bet on, some not considering everyone is getting to read this. O/U stands for Over/Under, if there is a (+) or (-) that is the payout. Enjoy:



The Four Beer Beer Chug
O/U winning time 15.5 seconds
O/U pukes during event 7.5
Tire Toss
O/U winning toss 63 feet
O/U foil pipes smoked by Peezy by the conclusion of this event 3.5
Shuttle Run
O/U winning time 28.5 seconds
O/U minor/major muscle pulls 2.5
O/U bad beer rulings 1.5
Dead Man's Carry
O/U winning time 26 seconds
Legs' falling -115
Thunder ACL failure +225
Biz ACL failure +200
King's failure to give AMPLE instructions to his partner -1600
Blind Man's Beer
O/U winning time 1 minute 20 seconds
O/U pukes during event 3.5
O/U time of King's strategy/motivational session with partner prior to event 23 minutes
Famous Egg Toss
O/U winning amount of throws 9.5
Ratt and teammate win event +110
Nacho and teammate win event and Nacho eats raw egg -110
Swiminator
O/U winning time 50 seconds
King does another pencil -105
Someone drowns +400
Some kid asks if we are gay -300
The Great Canoe Race
O/U winning time 1 minute 25 seconds
Legs' or King's canoe capsizes +150
O/U amount of laps swam by Steve 9.5
Log Toss
O/U winning toss 48.5 feet
O/U foil pipes smoked (total) by Peezy by the conclusion of this event 11.5
The Eliminator
O/U winning time 1 minute 12 seconds
O/U amount of pukes 5.5
O/U bad beer rulings 2.5
Tug-O-War
O/U injuries 1.5
Rhino/partner win -300
SweaTy destroys my pelvis again +125
Final 4 Beer Beer Chug
O/U winning time 19 seconds
O/U last place time 31 seconds
O/U pukes 6
O/U high fives and manhugs at the conclusion of event 1,650

Miscellaneous
O/U amount of Memorial records broken 5.5
SweaTy arrives with an unreal mustache -350
Thunder arrives with an unreal mustache -200
O/U amount of times we listen to "The mountains win again" during the weekend 214.5
O/U time of King's saturday breakdown 12:45pm
Someone pukes till their nose bleeds Friday night -300
O/U amount of times I hear the phrase "Jr. 1 bedroom" 7.5
O/U amount of times Jigs refers to Biz's hair 16.5
One of the Plundo's leaves with the Cup +200
King competes -400
O/U time of Mr. Guffey's first story about big titted hussies gets told Friday 7:30 pm
O/U time of first Borts sighting Saturday 11am
O/U total man-nights slept outdoors 1.5
O/U amount of time spent by SweaTy and Beard tending some fire during weekend 21 hours
O/U total number of Ecker stories I will tell to Jigs at bedtime 14
SweaTy wins Best Teammate -150
Jigs makes it through Sunday night +700
O/U Kuz references 485
SweaTy complains about the 70's and 80's rock being played repeatedly -1000
Kings' head literally explodes +225

Meet the Field

The mid-week nacho break is taking a quick hiatus for the rundown of who's who in this year's events. Now, just about everyone knows everyone (save for Rhino and Thunder) but a few of us thought it would be a good idea to show everyone's resume to give an idea about everyone's past history. Naturally, some people's will be longer than others for the simple reason of experience and having competed in more events. This year's class is so strong and has no rookies. Still unsure about what Cobb plans on doing on Friday night. But I'm certain he has something planned.

The 14th member is still unknown at this point but I included The King in the rundown because he will be there and has a decorated past that needs to be celebrated! Anyway, here are the competitors:

Chris "Peezy" Perry

- 3-year Referee

- 2007-2009 Champion of The Memorial Big Buck Hunter Challenge

- Fastest Trigger Finger in the midwest

- 3-time winner of The Phillip Banks "Best Judgement" Award

- 2009 Best Dressed Award winner

- Conquerer of Biggest Bombs in Chicago (2005-06)

Kevin “Brain” Bowler
- 3-year veteran
- 2007, 2008, & 2009 Memorial Champion
- 2-time 4-Beer chug champion
- 2007 Log Toss Champion
- 2007 Eloginator Champion
- 2008 Tire Toss Champion and Current Record Holder (92’1”)
- 2008 Blind Mans Beer Champion and Current Record Holder (1:18.37)
- 2008 Log Toss Champion and Current Record Holder (59’9”)
- 2007, 2008, & 2009 Tug O War Champion
- 2009 Shuttle Run Champion and Current Record Holder (28.66)
- 2009 Great Canoe Race Champion and Current Record Holder (1:26.31)
- 3-time winner of Best Chugging Form
- Placed 3rd at the 2009 Kip Dynamite Look-a-like Contest

Tyler “Rhino” Stegman
- 1-year veteran
- 2009 Memorial Champion
- 2009 Memorial MVP
- 2009 Rookie of the Year
- 2009 Tire Toss Champion
- 2009 Tug O War Champion
- 2009 Great Canoe Race Champion (Current Record Holder)

- Descendant of Paul Bunyan

Dan “Crazylegs” Conte
- 4 year veteran
- 2007 Memorial Champion
- 2009 Memorial Runner Up
- 2006 Log Toss Champion
- 2006 Tire Toss Champion
- 2007 Tug O War Champion
- 2007 Eloginator Champion
- 1 time 4 beer chug champion (2007)
- 2009 Dead Mans Carry Champion
- 2009 Blind Mans Beer Champion
- 2009 Eliminator Champion
- 2005 graduate of Brand Walsh’s Headband School of Training

Jon "The King" Plundo
- 2-year veteran
- 2009 Memorial Runner Up
- 2008 Rookie of the Year
- 2008 Dead Man’s Carry Champion and Current Record Holder (25.15)
- 2009 Dead Man’s Carry Champion
- 2009 Blind Man’s Beer Champion
- 2008 Runner Up in Tug-O-War
- Creator and wearer of BORTS!
- Failed out of Cannonball School in April 2009 (and it showed!)

Dave “Bluebeard” Onan
- 3 year veteran
- 2008 Memorial Champion
- 2007 & 2008 Memorial MVP
- 3-time 4-Beer Chug Champion and current Record Holder (14.47) (2008, 2009 twice)
- 2007 & 2008 Shuttle Run Champion
- 2008 Blind Mans Beer winner and Record Holder (1:18.37)
- 2009 Log Toss Champion
- 2008 Tug O War Champion
- 2007 & 2008 Eliminator Champion
- 2009 E-swiminator Champion
- “Silent Assassin” award winner from 1994-current

Greg “Beekeeper” Plundo
- 4 year veteran
- 2008 Memorial Runner Up
- 3-time 4-Beer Chug Champion and current record holder (14.47)
- 2007 Dead Mans Carry Champion
- 2008 Egg Toss Champion
- 2008 Eloginator Champion
- Best Puke Trophy winner in 2009
- Shuttle Run Enthusiast
- 21-time Largest Calves Award winner

Jon “Jiggaman” Cobb
- 4 year veteran
- 2006 Memorial Runner Up
- 1-time 4-Beer chug champion
- Most Spiteful Man in the Universe winner (1999-current)
- 2007 winner of “Worst Partner” Award
- Gave Tom Waldall a noogie in 2006

- Authority of Bombs!!!

Grant “Mughandle” Holloway
- 1-year veteran
- Individually placed in 3 separate events
- Friday night Flip Cup Champion

Rick Douglas
- 4-year veteran
- 2009 Famous Egg Toss Champion and Current Record Holder (9)
- Runner Up in Opening 4-Beer Chug
- Official Memorial Opening Ceremony Key Note Speaker
- 5-time Wedgebuster Award winner for Busting Wedges
- “Heart & Soul” of the events

Joe “Nacho” Hite
- 1-year veteran
- 2009 Egg Toss Champion and Current Record Holder (9)
- Loves Nachos at various games
- 2009 Runner Up in Opening 4-Beer Chug
- Hates being scared

Matt “Rattsfield” Plundo
- 3-year veteran
- 3-time Memorial Runner-Up
- 2006 & 2008 Egg Toss Champion
- 2008 Eloginator Champion
- 2008 “Pinecone to the Fathe” Recipient
- The Memorial’s Director of Audio/Visual

Matt “Thunder” Dahar
- 2-year veteran
- 1-time 4-beer Chug Champion (2008)
- 2007 Tire Toss Champion
- Received Doctorate in Fu Manchus in 2008
- Marinara Sauce chugging champion of 2008
- Co-Founder of National Meat Day

Ty “Big SweaTy” Reese
- 2 year veteran
- 2007 Blind Mans Beer Champion
- 2007 Egg Toss Champion
- 2007 & 2009 Best Partner Award Winner
- 2009 Most Enthusiastic Award Winner
- 2009 runner-up for Best Dressed
- Unofficial 2009 Winner of “Best Team Name”
- Mike Garland Sunkist Chugging Challenge Winner (2006-2007)
- Holds Ph.D in Facial Hair
- Steve

Josh “The Biz” Becker
- 1-year veteran
- 2009 Runner Up in Blind Man’s Beer & Famous Egg Toss
- Unofficial 2009 Winner of “Best Team Name”

What a field! Can't wait! 30 days and counting!!!!!!

What a Week!!

It's been a wild, wild week for The 2010 Memorial! Joe Nacho's mid-week Nacho break, coupled with Rick's HUGE announcement really created quite a stir! Between Ricky and The Beekeeper, those Plundos love suspense! And with Rick, really, what else can be said...At this point, we are really hitting the ol' homestretch. T shirts will need to be finalize here in the next 10 days or so. Whacked back a few chugs this past weekend. Feeling confident. Thunder and Rick are paid up as well!

Really, we just need to know who will be the 14th member. The King is the hands down leader and hopefully his hernia surgery will be healed! I have a conference call scheduled with him for this week. Big things I hope!

I am putting the finishing touches on a new post and may have that ready tonight to be an appetizer for Joe's weekly nacho platter!!! I just wanted to get this up there for those clamoring for news!

Lastly, I leave you with this collage of epic heroes. All in the same pose! Coincidence?!? Only thing missing is the XV tat on Vin!

BREAKING NEWS!!! These colors DON'T run!!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you might need to get yourselves a fresh pair of borts when this one hits the wire! In the world of the Memorial, no one keeps people on the edge of their seats during the offseason quite like Rick Douglas. Many remember his Michael Crabtree-esque holdout from last year and the impromptu check ceremony and follow-up press conference at the 2008 Big East. But one thing has remained consistent, when the bullets start flying in late May, Rick's gonna be standing beside his partner on Memorial Field!

With just over a month until we report, I, Rick Douglas, have decided to officially end my holdout. My flight from Tut's wedding has be changed, and I will be staying in Greensburg for a week of pre-Memorial festivities. That crafty Legs must have seen this extended holdout coming and sneakily held $100 from my fantasy football winnings from this year. So, I am all paid up!!

SEE YOU BASTARDS AT THE BARN!!!!!!!! RICK IS BACK!!!!!!! AND HIS COLORS AREN'T RUNNING!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Mid-Week Nacho Break: The 2009 Memorial, A Bloody Good Time.

So since I sort-of committed to bringing some kind of entertainment every Wednesday leading up to this year's Memorial, I figured I'd focus one last time on last year.

Being my first Memorial, I was honestly "King-before-a-Pens-game excited." I was also extremely nervous. I was confident in my drinking, being that Legs had me training since November 2008, but wasn't confident in how I'd do drinking after running. My 163rd foot injury occured two months prior to the start of the Memorial, and that coupled with all of the training beers put me about 15 lbs. overweight. Legs insisted that I would be fine, but game films from previous years told me otherwise, and the moment I left Guffy cabin I vowed to myself to be 100% ready from now on. I could tell that this was about more than drinking. I could tell that this was about more than an excuse to wear matching t-shirts. I could tell that this was about more than a reason for SweaTy to wear a perv-stache. What do I think The Memorial is really about you may be asking yourself? Well, I'm not exactly sure, and maybe that's how it should be being that I've only competed for one year. One thing I do know is that it was one hell of a time, and that I will do anything humanly possible to do it every year.

So, I've come up with a list of the top 10 moments from the '09 Memorial. If a moment didn't make the cut, I'm sorry. I pride myself on having a great drunk memory, but if I left something out there is the comments section. A couple things that almost made the cut:

Some of the pukes: Greg's puke Saturday was epic and he took home hardware to prove it. I thought he was really going to die. I vomited alongside my great partner Rick for only the 3rd time in my life. The feeling of chugging those 2 beers at 930am was pure hell. It was almost as bad as listening to Mr. Kuz talk about business while doing military press at the Gbg YMCA. Which reminds me of...........

How's Business??? SweaTy and Biz's team name and Kuz quotes had us rolling all weekend.

Rhino destroying everyone at tug-o-war. Just a force of nature at that event.

Bowler's mustache and the tidal wave of Kip Dynamite jokes that followed.

Jigs', Peezy's, and myself''s use of vices on Sunday morning. I don't think this really needs an explanation.

And now the TOP 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. Steve!!!!!

SweaTy's dog Steve will always have a spot in my memory. First, SweaTy let him out of the car and he immediately jumped directly into a mud puddle and rolled around...hilarious! He also swam the entire Canoe Race with us and chased footballs into the lake constantly. Now that's a dog with a winning attitude!

9. Bowler's Nosebleed

Mr. 300 showed up with excitement in his eyes. I had never met him before so I thought it was particularly awesome to see him drink with such aggression the night before the competition that he puked so hard he got a nosebleed. Unbeleivable way to start the weekend.

8. SweaTy's tie-dyed shirt

Any time a guy goes to a mall kiosk to get a shirt made that is tie-dye with no sleeves he deserved some Kudos. This was just the beginning of a weekend full of leadership, teamwork, encouragement, and spirit from our man SweaTy.

7. The Swiminator

This event added SO much to the experience. It started Friday when we mapped out the course with Peezy. Then started the grumbling by guys that don't like to swim (or kinda can't swim). Rhino had a story that I thought was hilarious: He said that while at West Point he was put in the "Rock" category during swimming instruction. Then the event started and it was some of the most exciting action I've ever seen, capped by King's underwater cannonball....more on this later.

6. Jigs' antics

So many memories from this guy I had to condense it into one entry. First, he showed up and immediately cracked up at my Ecker story #168 of 565 from my college years. He then gave Biz the business in a hazing sense for the entire weekend. He rode around in a wheelchair. He talked Bob Seger. He gave Biz some more shit. He got wasted off of everything on Sunday and supposedly spilled wine all over the table at a family dinner......PERFECT!!!!!!!!

5. Mr. Guffey's Friday story

So some of us knew Mr. Guffey prior to this year. I know Beard, myself, and Jigs' know him pretty well. Some of the competitors were a bit nervous as to how he would police his property, but Jigs' and myself tried to calm everyone down by basically saying "wait till you meet this dude, he won't give a shit what we do." Sure enough he showed up about 10 minutes later in a convertible, got out and immediately went into a story that started something like this:

"So me and my buddy got fucked up at a titty bar last night. This chick with huge tits comes up to us"......and you get the idea. It sent a few of us into hysterics which only made Mr. Guffey get more excited and embellish his story a bit more.

4. Beard's morning 4-beer chug

I mentioned this in last week's post. This was unreal to me. Here I am at my first Memorial and this guy steps up right after brushing his teeth and kills two beers in I believe under 10 seconds (time Peezy?). Greg also dominated his beer (obviously considering they won the event) and it went almost unnoticed by me because I was just in awe of Beard's thirst for Busch Light. I was stunned, a little nervous, and excited. Kinda like seeing a vulva for the first time.

3. Legs' Balls

If those 2 horrendous ladies-of-the-night know how to do anything it is make a grown man blush. When they tore Legs' boxers off (while he was laying on the floor of the Guffey cabin!) in front of everyone it sent the room into a frenzy of laughter. Well, except for Rhino who was sitting next to me and saw WAAAAAYYY too much I guess. Legs' reaction was that of shock, uncomfortable laughter, and a little bit of embarrasment. Kinda like seeing a vulva for the first time.

2. The Comraderie

From the time Beard and I were killing food samples at Sam's Club until the time we all departed on Monday, the comraderie of the group was remarkable. It definitely takes you back and honestly made me feel younger. Everyone cheers for everyone, everyone gives their all for everyone, everyone laughs at everyone. SweaTy led the world in "get a good beer" screams and it worked on me every time. I think I can speak for the rest of last year's rookie class and thank the founding fathers for allowing us to join in on this awesome experience.

One last thing. When I try to explain the Memorial to outsiders they NEVER get it. They start talking about "Beer Olympic" things they've participated in. This used to bother me. I would try the "you don't understand how hard all these guys go" route and it never worked. Everyone has their stories. Some people's stories are just better. That's why I don't care about even telling people about what I do on Memorial Day weekend anymore. Some things aren't meant for the masses.

1. King's Meltdown

So I will put this in order as best as I can. King was in Pens Stanley Cup Final mode at 8am. His speech to Legs' before Blind Man's Beer was like listening to Bob Knight explain the complexities of the weak-side motion offense to a freshman intramural team. He really thought it was necessary to tell Legs' how to roll around in the grass for 15 minutes.

Then, it was almost Swiminator time and out came the now-famous borts. Once The Swiminator was about to begin and youngest Guffey and his friends questioned if we were all gay....NICE!!!!!!!

So, King sprints around the lightposts, dives perfectly into the water, swims his BALLS off, gets onto the deck, smashes his beer, and then does an absolutely perfect..........PENCIL!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..........this was the sound that echoed off of Memorial Lake. He got out of the water, yelled at Peezy that he did a cannonball underwater and then broke into a fit, stomping around like a kid who got his Big Wheels stolen, and then finally begging for Legs' forgiveness. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.........until:

The next event. The Great Canoe Race of '09. Clear and Present Danger, deep in the hunt for first place at the time, flew across that lake. What happened next couldn't be duplicated by a Hollywood film crew. In taking their canoe out of the water, King forgot his paddle back in the shore and it started floating out into the lake. Did Rick and I (we were standing 5 feet away) alert him of this? OF COURSE NOT!! We watched and giggled as King feasted on his beer and turned to the canoe. After chasing down his paddle, King and Legs got back into the canoe.....kind of. They never got the canoe to balance, and capsized city into the lake. They got the canoe and flipped over but it was filled with water by then. This is where I think King realized that his quest for the cup was now buried at the bottom of Memorial Lake. I think everyone laughed as hard as they have in years.

King's meltdown ended Saturday night at Primant's with his head in his hands, thumbs out of course. He never made it to us on Sunday, which is a shame. He laid it ALL on the line that day and ended up an upset, confused, depressed shell of himself. Kinda like a closeted gay seeing a vulva for the first time.

Mid Week Nacho Break: The Memorial from a Wrestling Geek's POV

Fellas,

The idea for my first post took me about 7 seconds to conceive. Some of you have only known me for a little while, but there are a couple of things most of you know about me by now:

1. I love Nachos (or at least commercials about people stuffing them under their shirts and then arguing about it).

2. I HATE being scared.

With that said, I also love the NBA and Pro Wrastlin'. Since no one other than me and about 7 other people in the world like the NBA (yeah Bowler!!) this post will revolve around the amazingly entertaining world of Pro Wrastlin'. I've only been a competitor for 1 year, so feel free to verbally teabag me if I'm out of line.

Today I was sitting in my favorite bathroom stall at work and reading this very blog when I thought that it would be funny as balls to do a comparison of all of the competitors to the great heroes of our past. I think that there is actually SOME merit to this, considering we give trophies out for enthusiasm, best puke, etc. Basically, these are awards that thank the competitor for entertaining the HELL out of us. This is much like wrestling in that not only does the person's physical/athletic prowess factor in to what makes them great, but also the way they entertain. For instance, the King is an amazing competitor. His measurables are in line or better than most. But, this is just the tip of the ole' iceberg. What's the first thing that pops into my head when thinking of last year? You guessed it! King's bortclad meltdown. Now that's some quality entertainment!!!!!! Rememeber, these are only my thoughts on what I witnessed last year, what I saw on tape, and what I know of you personally.......Enjoy:

Sean " The Heartbreak Kid" Michaels: Greg "The Beekeeper" Plundo
HBK is one of the best of all time. He's brash and cocky yet fundamentally brilliant. This is Craig. His chugging form is right out of the texbook. He can talk with the best of them, and has the experience and skills to back it up. HBK's showstopping finishing move " Sweet Chin Music" reminds me a ton of Greg's colossal vomit in last year's Memorial in that everything seemed to stop for a second and then sent bystanders into a frenzy!!!

The Undertaker : "BlueBeard"

This one was kind of too easy. Beard is a calm and collected guy that dominates a little behind-the-scenes. The Undertaker has always been this way as well despite his undefeated WrestleMania streak and numerous titles. You would think that after killing 2 beers in around 10 seconds last year to start of the Memorial that Beard would have at least talked a little shit. Nope, he just nodded and then hammered his bonus beer.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: SweaTy

Every time Stone Cold took the ring you knew that you were in for a show. He always had a bottomless pit of an appetite for tearing people a new ass and chugging beers. This makes me think of our very own SweaTy. Both of these fine men want to not only dominate opponents, but completely obliterate any cans of beer placed in front of them.

Bill Goldberg: Tyler "Rhino" Stegeman

Much like Goldberg, Rhino came onto the scene with some hype and fanfare. Some questioned King's Paul Bunyan-like tall tales of him. But much like Goldberg's streak of 173 victories, Rhino exceeded lofty expectations.

<-----Waddya think of these borts King?!?!?!?!

Bret Hart: Kevin "Mr.300" Bowler

"The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. " Although never given enough credit during his career, that is how most wrestling fans remember The Hitman. Mr. 300 has yet to win an MVP despite being a 3-time champ and technically proficient in all aspects of The Memorial. Will he have to spit in the boss' face to get his due? Or will we all be witness to a Boulder, CO Screwjob? Only time will tell....

HHH (young version): Nacho



Hunter Hearst Helmsley (HHH) came onto the scene and showed serious potential not only in the ring, but on the mic. I can only hope to develop into what HHH has become, which is one of the most entertaining and consistent performers in sports entertainment. Really, I'd just like to do some chugs to his entrance music.


Hulk Hogan: Dan "Crazylegs" Conte



Ok, let's get this out of the way. We ALL love America. But ala the Hulkster, Legs really takes his patriotism seriously and sometimes just gets in your face about it. He's serenaded King via cellphone to Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red White & Blue" and even provides American flags to guests at random cookouts in the Arlington, VA area. Furthermore, both of these men are leaders. No one questioned the Hulkster, no one.



John Bradshaw Layfield (JBL): Josh "Biz" Becker





JBL came to the WWE with stories of making millions in stock trading. Biz came to The Memorial with stories of Jigs' Jr. 1 Bedrooms and betting thousands of dollars on Royals games. But don't be fooled, both of these men are hard nosed competitors that don't mind playing a little dirty. Now if Biz could only execute a "Clothesline From HELLLL!!!!!!!" we'd be all set.





Rick Flair: Matt "Rattsfield" Plundo





Savvy, smart, tactical, wizard-like, sneaky, conniving, manipulative..... these are all words that I can use to describe The Nature Boy and Ratt. Ratt's egg-tossing skills supposedly put The Memorial in a Figure Four Leglock every year. Much like the Nature Boy tells us about his past ring conquests, Ratt tells us of past shuttle run, egg toss, and eliminator conquests. I'm excited and nervous to see it all in person this year.



"Macho Man" Randy Savage: Matt "Thunder" Dahar:



Hilarious outfits? Check. Original facial hair patterns? Check. Roundhouse kicks to the face and/or top row elbow drops? ooooohhhh yeeeaaahhhh!!!!!!!





I can't wait to see this guy in action!!!!!!!!

Arn Anderson: Grant "Mughandle" Holloway:

Grant reminded me of Arn because Arn (one of my favorite wrestlers ever BTW) always walked around with a quite confidence. Yet, much like Handle's beastly chugs and dead man's carry, when tasked with taking down his opponent, he does it with a ruthless sense of superiority usually reserved for prison rapists.

"Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig: Jon " The J-Man" Cobb





Talk about some spiteful SOB's!!!!!!!!!!! You wouldn't let these two date your worst enemies daughters, yet we'd all love to have these guys in our corner. Hennig was the perfect pro wrestler. The J-Man's spitefullness, love for hazing, verbal bashings of Biz, laughter at Ecker stories, and use of many vices make him a prototype for The Memorial.

That Buzz You Hear!

That's right, folks! I know there's been a buzz among The Memorial competitors this weekend. And that buzzing hit an all time high Sunday night! After months of soul searching and time spent pondering life in the solitude of the Las Vegas desert, our very own Beekeeper has decided to end the drama and suspense that comes with his job and has committed to the 2010 Memorial! He hasn't stopped smiling since the news became official!

The Beekeeper has never been one to lack enthusiasm when it comes to The Memorial. He has always been the first guy in and last guy out when the planning comes around. So, his absence this year was perplexing and troublesome. I figured there was only one reason for it: he couldn't make it so he didn't want to hear about it.

Much to my delight, I received a text yesterday around noon that read "It's time for me to realize what's important in life!!!" No less than 24 hours later, I received the following email:

I apologize for my lack of effort and enthusiasm for the Memorial so far this year. I have been scared to death that I was not gonna be able to make it, so I guess I have been ignoring it. This morning, I was hungover, put on my '09 Memorial shirt because I had no clean black shirts to wear under my work shirt. Something must have clicked after I saw myself in the mirror with this sweet, sweet shirt on because I decided right then and there that this aggression will not stand! I booked my flight, for 10 days no less!!!!! So i have to get off of work, whether they like it or not...
I just walked the check to the mailbox! My guess is that you won't get it until Thursday or Friday, but it is OFFICIAL!!! Post it! Blog it! Tell your friends! The Beekeeper is out of hibernation and swarming for a great partner!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,
Bee

He's ready to roll! This will round out our field of competitors (it appears). We were disappointed to learn of The King's injury and inability to physically perform at this year's events. But we welcome him with open arms to attend and contribute in any ways that he can. But, back to the matter at hand, there is no greater substitute than The Beekeeper! A Memorial without Greg, is like a honeycomb with no honey. He has been at the forefront of The Memorial since it's inception and I think it's safe to say that without Greg's enthusiasm, energy, commitment and passion for the events that this great weekend would not exist as it does. He is a visionary who lobbied hard for the Shuttle Run, now a Memorial staple and an event that really sets the tone for the entire day!

He is a fan favorite and somebody who is always a threat to win any of the chugging events. He is a 4-year veteran and has been involved since those early nights on Grace Street in Wrigleyville back in 2005 when we'd chug along with Dan White and Jonny Love with pedestrian times of 32 seconds. Oh how far we've come!! It truly is an honor and a thrill to welcome back to the fold Greg "The Beekeeper" Plundo!!

For those keeping score at home, we officially have 12 committed competitors:

Bowler, Beard, SweaTy, Rhino, Jigs, Nacho Joe, Biz, Rattsfield, Thunder Dahar, Grant, myself and Beekeeper. Peezy will be reffing of course and King will be his assistant/fluffer (hat tip to Rhino)

One final huge name is missing: Rick Douglas. I am not optimistic, but you are more than welcome and we'll find room and go to 14 if and when he commits!

Thunder Rolls!

I received a call shortly after 7pm last night. The thought never crossed my mind. I figured that Ol' Thunder Dahar was just calling to chat about The Last Samurai or discuss Switchfoot's newest album. But oh no. He made the binding decision to join the 2010 Memorial up at Guffey Cabin! His check is in the mail and his air fare has already been purchased! Welcome home you sly son of a bitch!

Looks like we'll all get yet another chance to tangle in Rex Kwon Do! Look at that form!

For those unfamiliar with Thunder's body of work, here is a brief synopsis of his resume:

- 2 year Memorial veteran

- 2007 Tire Toss Champion

- Received Doctorate in Fu Manchus in 2008

- Marinara Sauce chugging champion of 2008

- Co-Founder of National Meat Day

- One hell of a model American!

Hey King! That sound you hear is the boat leaving the dock! You better get on board quick!!!

I WANT YOU!

Signing Day 2010

Once again, we have come to the day where decisions are made and lives are changed! As of now we have 10 commitments and 2 that have verbaled but not done any leg work.

That leaves King and Thunder. The only King that matters now is The King of Sting! "King" Plundo is now Jon. Go get 'em Jigs!

I LOVE how tall Jigs is and how short Sweaty is. Also, Bluebeard is miniscule!