The Memorial: 2009

Gentlemen. It has been 9 days (more now that I took forever to finish this thing) since our day in the sun. I feel that this is enough time to digest what occurred up there. The King should be fully functioning again. Everyone is probably back on their respective time zones. Our sleep deprivation has probably been fixed. So with that said, there is nothing left except for the post-Memorial write-up. My apologies to those who wanted this sooner. My new job leaves me with much less down time as my previous job - where I was able to plan the Memorial as my full time job and work secondary. Anyway. Enough of that...on to the main event!!!!

Friday May 22 arrived in what seemed like the blink of an eye. From when we began planning this sucker in earnest back in November, May came quicker than it had the previous 2 years. Which was great. But we went in on Friday morning knowing very little about the terrain and the accommodations. The Red Oak Chalet had treated us well

but it was time to move on, time to graduate to bigger and better. And I will say with the utmost confidence that aside from a little dust and dirt, Guffey Barn proved to be all we wanted/needed and more! Major props to Bluebeard for brokering the deal!

One by one the competitors arrived with a fire in their eyes that is rarely seen now that we're in our late 20s. Each competitor arrived with their eyes set solely on the glistening, shimmering trophies that our very own Beard crafted. Second place was on nobody's agenda. Mr. 300 had no intentions of returning home empty handed for the first time during his Memorial career. Bluebeard truly enjoyed reaping the benefits of his labor by having the Cup at his house. The Beekeeper wanted more after a 2nd place finish last year. Big Sweaty

wanted to return to Memorial prominence by claiming his first title. The King, Ricky Tsunami & Jiggaman each looked for their first wins. A strong rookie class of Rhino, Biz, Mughandle and Nacho Joe came in looking to establish themselves as contenders. And as for ol' Crazylegs...well he had been waiting 364 days to re-establish himself as a contender following his embarrassing last place finish last year. And naturally, The Refereezy was one of the first people up there. Getting his bearings and feeling at one with the grounds, nobody says "Memorial Man" like Peezy in a Kilt!

One of the more intriguin

g storylines leading up to the 2009 Memorial was how the loss of nearly 20 lbs would affect Mr 300 aka Kip Douglas at this year's events. Well, if Friday night is any indicator it looks like his sleaker frame may hinder his drinking? Because he puked very hard - possibly puke of the weekend - and got a bloody nose as a result. High comedy indeed!

Jigs set the tone for the night by starting the hazing off as soon as Biz showed up.

Jigs really outdid himself this year and proved once again that you can take the boy out of Pi Lam, but you'll NEVER ever take the Pi Lam out of the boy. My only question is: what will he do with what is looking more and more like a rookie free 2010 class? As dear friend of The Memorial Mikey P. would say, "Time Will Tell."

Master of Ceremonies

, Kip Dynamite did a great job of planning the evening. However

, it seemed that the late flights and early beers did a better job of derailing his plans. We wound up getting a few events in. I can not remember who won the Beer Pong. I think Nacho & myself did well. But I'm pretty sure we lost in the finals to someone. But the big news was during the Survivor Flip Cup Round. Big Sweaty went 1 vs 4 to pull his team from the brink of elimination. Mughandle continued the strong rookie showing by making the finals with Sweats. In what turned out to be an epic matchup of drinking giants, the two traded haymakers, standing toe to toe at the table. Mughandle wound up winning in the end but it was a sight that is sure to go down in Memorial legend and will forever link those two. Great work by both guys!

At this point, all eyes were onc

e again on Peezy! The best time of the night and the moment that everyone dreamed and had nightmares about for 3-4 months was about to happen. Never have the fates of men been altered by the drawing of a tiny piece of paper. But for proof, just ask Jigs '07 and Crazylegs '08. Would it happen again? We were about to find out after one last dance with the hardware for Threat Level Midnight!

First team drawn looked to be a strong competitor: Two time defending champ, Kevin "Kip" Bowler and greenhorn Ty

ler "Rhino" Stegeman was the 1st team out of the Cup. They chose to roll with the team name The Dharma Initiative. Would this duo of DI survive the purge?!

The second team to be chosen was none other than Jon "Jiggaman" Cobb

& another much balleyhooed greenhorn, Gra

nt "Mughandle" Holloway. This is the second team in a row that looked to have some fire power and be a strong contender to etch their names into Memorial history. The name that they chose to roll with: The Robbie Whalen Surprise!

The 3rd team for Peezy to select was Jon "The King" Plundo and Dan "Crazylegs" Conte. Peezy was really on a roll at this point because all three teams so far appeared capable of winning the cup. On second thought, was it Peezy or was it the fact that all 12 competitors were strong?? King & Legs are two proud patriots. Therefore, they went with a patriotic name like Clear & Present Danger as a warning to the other competitors!

4th up was my personal favorite team name: Kuzmkowski Roofing. Ty "Big Sweaty" Reese, the prodigal son of The Memorial makes his triumphant return to glory with Josh "The Biz" Becker. Another strong team that appeared hungry and looking for blood (and beers). The catch phrase for this team? "How's business?!"

With 4 competitors remaining, only one was a greenhorn. So we would have some solid teams at the end as well. Defending champion and two-time Memorial MVP Dave "Bluebeard" O'Nan got paired with Greg "Beekeeper" Plundo. This is a matchup that The Ol' Beekeeper had been clamoring for for years. He finally got his wish and this team made sure that we all knew that they meant business with their team name, straight out of Cornell: Here Comes Treble!

Which means that Nick "Ricky Tsunami" Plundo and "Nacho" Joe Hite would round out the impressive field. This team did not lack in enthusiasm or one liners and they kept the field laughing and rolling all weekend. In a nod of respect to the beer chug, they set their goal and team name as Six Seconds to Paradise.

After the teams were selected, we all know what happens next. A few rounds of chugs to determine who is where. All teams did well and left us all in a haze as far as who was the prohibitive favorite. All six teams appeared ready, capable and willing to win the cups. The only question is who would wake up feeling ready to go grab the gold!
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After a night of Sweaty snoring his balls off, morning was upon us. I know I felt great. I am a firm believer that no matter how drunk you get the night before and how hungover you may feel, it all goes away as soon as you wake up and realize that the GD Memorial is about to begin!!! I, for one, know that after helping to plan this thing for 4-5 months, I am not about to let a little headache stand in my way!!Anyway, Peezy got all of the competitors out and about and The Beekeeper led us in his customary Memorial pledge while Tsunami got his toast ready! And away we went!!! The team breakdown was as follows:

1) The Dharma Initiative: Mr. 300 & Rhino
2) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: Jiggaman & Mughandle
3) Clear & Present Danger: Crazylegs & The King
4) Kuzmkowski Roofing: Big Sweaty & The Biz
5) Here Comes Treble: Bluebeard & The Beekeeper
6) Six Seconds to Paradise: Ricky Tsunami & Nacho Joe

For the third year in a row, the Four Beer Beer Chug was able to establish itself as a serious powerhouse capable of bringing kings to their knees. This year the event took down just about every competitor, including Nacho who has puked only a handful of times in his life. All of the times were stellar and after each team went, we pretty much all assumed that that would be the winning time. Until the next team went and beat it by a few seconds. This year had no team limping to the finish line and everyone did a solid job. At the end of the event though, a familiar face was left standing as Bluebeard & Beekeeper took home the gold in a new MEMORIAL RECORD time of 14.47 - breaking his own record, set the previous year with Threat Level Midnight. It truly was a sight to behold as Bluebeard attacked those beers like the Macho

Man attacking a slim jim! Not to be lost in the beer foam is The Beekeeper would nailed his beer in sub-15 also. Nice work fellas! (Check out Rick basking in the sun in this picture to the left!!!!)

Event 1 - 4-Beer Beer Chug Results:
1) Here Comes Treble: 14.47 (New Memorial Record)
2) Six Seconds to Paradise: 18.40
3) The Dharma Initiative: 19.50
4) Clear & Present Danger: 20.74
5) Kuzmkowski Roofing: 21.25
6) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 24.53

Bluebeard continued his chugging ways from 2008 by

nailing his bonus beer in 5.38. Next event up is the Tire Toss. This event is a big one as the previous years have had the overall champions do well and double up on points in this event. Would that trend continue? Perhaps as Rhino took first place with an impressive toss of 61 feet. Keep in mind that the terrain was different this year and took place on grass. Therefore, Bowler's 90+ foot toss will likely go unchallenged for the foreseeable future. But Bowler did continue his dominance in this event finishing third to earn valuable extra points for The DI. Mughandle proved his worth by finishing an impressive 2nd.

Event 2 - Tire Toss Results:
1) Rhino: 61.09 (Record- Bowler: 92.1, '08)
2) Mughandle 59.09
3) Bowler: 58.07
4) Crazylegs: 56.80
5) King: 54.09
6) Jiggaman: 53.02
7) Big Sweaty: 50
8) Greg: 49.10
9) Rick: 48.08
10) Biz: 38.05
11) Joe: 37.03
12) Beard: DNQ

Rhino crushed his bonus beer in 6.25 for the extra point. The 3rd event of the day is a fan favorite out there: The Shuttle Run. The Beekeeper's baby. Bluebeard is the two time defending champion and has proven that this event doesn't truly start until his time is on the boards. Bowler also was looking to avenge his historic fall from 2008 that provided laughs a plenty. Also, Crazylegs was looking to show that he belonged in a speed event after placing in 2008 for the first time ever. He just wan

ted to run straight and not circle around the cones like a jack off again. After a few runs, Legs took control of 1st place with an impressive sub 30 time. All looked good but he still had to worry about those guys from The DI. The svelte Bowler proved once again that he will always step up when the heat is on and turned in a blazing 28.66 to set a MEMORIAL RECORD and show that his lighter frame would benefit him! Bluebeard slipped on all three turns and finished out of the running for the first time ever prompting him to throw his newly purchased spikes in the garbage.

Event 3 - Shuttle Run Results:
1) Bowler: 28.66 (New Memorial Record)
2) Crazylegs: 29.09
3) Mughandle: 30.63
4) Rhino: 30.78
5) Jiggaman: 31.56
6) The King: 31.71
7) Bluebeard: 32.28
8) Nacho Joe: 32.35
9) Biz: 32.79
10) Beekeeper: 35.18 (rope penalty)
11) Tsunami: 35.43 (chug penalty)
12) Big Sweaty: 37.72

Bowler nailed his bonus beer in 5.63 seconds and we were on to Dead Man's Carry. With Two Time Defending Champ Justin Credible Jeff Cobb absent this year, all bets are off on w

ho is the favorite to win Dead Man's Carry. Will Crazylegs continue his embarrassing finishes and fall again? Will Bowler or Beard fall again this year? Lots of plot lines. Lots of competitive teams with close sizes. In an insanely close field where the top three teams were a mere second apart, Clear & Present Danger came out on top and gave The King & Crazylegs that bonus beer that they had been craving! This result defied logic in that Crazylegs sucks at this event but under the tutelage of The King, CPD managed to edge out the other teams by a hair. The Biz's knees had trouble holding up under the weight of Sweaty's mustache and they rounded out the field.

Event 4 - Dead Man's Carry Results:
1) Clear & Present Danger: 25.59 (Record- Kings of Prussia: 25.15, '08)
2) The Dharma Initiative: 26.43
3) Here Comes Treble: 26.59
4) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 27.32
5) Six Seconds to Paradise: 28.19
6) Kuz Roofing: 35.53 1st Appearance of Borts!!

Legs hammered home his bonus beer in 5.38. Crowd favorite Blind Man's Beer is the 5th event of the day. Would we have another marathon session like we did with The Little Giants and Sweep the Leg in '08? Apparently not. All teams did a dang good job and crushed the times. All business in 2009! The King had some theories on how to finish 1st. They included repeating 200 times to Legs the team's strat

egy. He also stripped down to his boxers, Dan White style establishing a new fashion trend - Borts! All his planning seemed to pay off as Clear & Present Danger took down their second W of the day and continued to climb up the leader board! Kuz Roofing also made a nice finish, determined to make a run of their own!

Event 5 - Blind Man's Beer Results:
1) Clear & Present Danger: 1:21.78 (Record- Threat Level Midnight: 1:18.37, '08)
2) Kuzmkowski Roofing: 1:27.40
3) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 1:53.88
4) The Dharma Initiative: 1:57.97
5) Here Comes Treble: 2:08.12
6) Six Seconds to Paradise: 2:36.88

After the King downed his bonus beer in 6.99 - just barely under the cut off, we moved on to The Famous Egg Toss. This year's egg toss really made me a believer in the event. I typically find it useless and unnecessary. But this year the competition went smoothly and the teams all fared well. Every team go through six rounds last year - compared to just one team surpassing six throws each. In the end, 6 Seconds to Paradise narrowly edged out The Robbie Whalen Surprise 9 to 8.5 to take the first place points and make their marks! Nacho Joe cranked out the bonus beer in 7.04 - taking advantage

of the extra second used in the morning events. Bluebeard fell from 1st place

to last place by getting paired up with The Beekeeper and his claws.

Event 6 - The Famous Egg Toss:

1) Six Seconds to Paradise: 9 Turns (New MEMORIAL Record)

2) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 8.5 turns 3) Kuz Roofing: 8
4) Clear & Present Danger: 7.5
5) The Dharma Initiative: 7
6) Here Comes Treble: 6.5

Nacho Joe ripped popped his bonus beer cherry in a very respectable 7.04 seconds. Next up we were christening the first of two new Memorial events: The E-Swiminator. This event was destined to bring a new aspect to the Memorial and really shape the events for years to come. This event also was the beginning of the unraveling of Clear & Present Danger. For starters, Ol' Crazylegs is a horrifically awful swimmer.

And secondly, El Kingerino saddled the team with a 5 second penalty for pulling off the world's first cannonball performed underwater. This event also introduced us all to the newest fashion statement to hit the hills of PA: Borts! King rolled in wearing nothing but a broad smile and a tiny pair of boy shorts. An onlooker even felt compelled to ask if we were gay. That's just a little idea of the extracurriculars that went on during this event. The event itself was a bear to those of us who were not very go

od swimmers. Each competitor was required to run through the 5 lampposts that lined the pond, dive into said pond and swim to the deck on the other side. Upon exiting the pond a beer sat waiting for each competitor. Once the beer is downed each competitor was to cannonball back into the pond and Peezy would stop the clock. This re-entry into the pond was, to me, the most difficult portion. I never wanted to allow myself to just sink to the bottom of a pond as I did then. Anyway, the swimmers separated themselves with Bluebeard pulling the best Kevin Costner from Waterworld routine. He was our innaugural winner. King's penalty caused him to drop from 2nd to 4th and cost Clear & Present Danger a few points. But King's ability also earned points so I can not complain as his partner. I nearly drowned

from a lack of kicking. The rundown finished as such:

Event 7 - The E-Swiminator:

1) Bluebeard: 51.1 (New MEMORIAL Record)
2) Bowler: 56.0
3) Nacho Joe: 58.56
4) King: 59.25 *5 second penalty
5) Big SweaTy: 64.0
6) The Beekeeper: 64.34

7) Rhino: 65.12
8) Jiggaman: 66.15
9) Ricky Ricardo: 67.22
10) The Biz: 67.35
11) Crazylegs: 70.44
12) Mughandle: 78.31

Lunchtime followed. At the turn, this is how the standings were shaping up:

1) The Dharma Initiative: 31
2) Clear & Present Danger: 25
3) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 17

4) Here Comes Treble: 16

5) Six Seconds to Paradise: 14
6) Kuz Roofing: 9

After lunch the events took us back to the pond. The 2nd newest event is Canoe Race! This was an event for the ages and will be a terrific addition to the games for many, many years to come. The King & I once again lost our grip on not only the paddles, but the competition as well. The Dharma Initiative tightened their squeeze on 1st place with another W and bonus beer. To recap, Clear & Present Danger flipped the canoe, allowed it to fill up with water, had to subsequently drain the canoe and still paddle to the opposite shore. It was a scene and was the epitome of the day. This event lost the chance to challenge The

DI for 1st. It looks as if Clear & Present Danger's chances for a comeback may have sunk with that f'ing canoe.

Event 8 - The Great Canoe Race of '09:

1) The Dharma Initiative: 1:26.31 (New MEMORIAL Record)

2) Here Comes Treble: 1:31.06

3) 6 Seconds to Paradise: 1:43.22

4) Kuz Roofing: 1:51.16

5) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 1:51.91
6) Clear & Present Danger: 3:01.44

Rhino crushed down the bonus beer in 6.06 seconds and off we went to the Log Toss

runway. Who would take home the glory this year? Bowler is the two year reigning champ and The Beekeeper is fresh off of his finishing in the points last year. Not only that but Sweaty Big is back and we have Rhino throwin logs around this year. Through all the tosses, an old standby came out on top: Bluebeard came out of nowhere and tossed the log much bette

r than he did in '08!

Event 9 - Log Toss:

1) Bluebeard: 48'
2) Rhino: 45'9''
3) Grant: 43'09''
4) The King: 43'04''
5) Nacho Joe: 43'02''
6) Crazylegs: 42'4''
7) The Beekeeper: 40'02''
8) Bowler: 39'06''
8) The Biz: 39'06''
10) Sweaty Big: 37'1''
11) Ricky Tsunami: 37'05''

12) Jiggaman: 36'06''

The Beekeeper earned a bonus point in 6 seconds and we were off to the newly charted Eliminator course. In a slight change, the terrain would take us from the edge of the pond, up the hill, through the gazebo to the top where a beer awaited to be chugged. Then running back through to the bottom where another beer waited along with the partner to be tagged in. Threat Level Midnight was the runaway winner last year. But really the teams are all pretty evenly matched and anybody can win this sucker with a good couple of chugs. In an extremely tight heat, Clear & Present Danger narrowly edged out The DI and those Nard Dogs from Here Comes Treble by a mere 2 seconds that separated the three teams. Tight indeed. The field this year continues to prove to be the best yet!

Event 10 - The Eliminator:

1) Clear & Present Danger: 1:15.68

2) Here Comes Treble: 1:16.66
3) The Dharma Initiative: 1:17.37

4) 6 Seconds to Paradise: 1:25.28
5) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 1:27.9 *Penalty
6) Kuz Roofing: 1:29.88

Crazylegs got an extra point for Clear & Present Danger with the time of 5.15 seconds. Next event up was the Tug-O-War. This event has been known to bring grown men to tears and their knees. It is a grueling event that truly earns your team the points that get handed out. The Dharma Initiative

was clearly the odds on favorite with Bowler having NEVER lost a single match and Rhino looking every bit the role that his nickname suggests. However, major kudos go out to Kuz Roofing in this event as well. The Biz, with all of his surgically repaired knees and Big Sweaty really showed that they were not giving up and there was no quit in Kuz Roofing! The Biz showed some solid Old Man Strength to go along with that old man bald spot!!! Woooooo!

2) Kuz Roofing

3) Event 11 - Tug-O-War:

1) The Dharma Initiative

2) Kuz Roofing

3) Clear & Present Danger

4) The Robbie Whalen Surprise

5) 6 Seconds to Paradise
6) Here C

omes Treble
After quite a long and glorious day, the only event that remained was 4-Beer Beer Chug. The DI had wrapped up the victory but the placings and trophies for 2nd, 3rd and 4th remained to be decided. A lot of pride would be on the line and with this group this year, nobody was settling for whatever place they fell. We were all going out there and trying to take the best trophies possible. Just as the morning session went, Bluebeard & Beekeeper continued to show their chugging is up there with anybody's. They took first to own the event for the year!

Event 12 - 4-Beer Beer Chug:

1) Here Comes Treble: 20.00
2) Clear & Present Danger: 23.78
3) 6 Seconds to Paradise: 20.84
4) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 23.38
5) Kuz Roofing: 23.44
6) The Dharma Initiative: 28.9

The final standings were as follows:

1) The Dharma Initiative: 50
2) Clear & Present Danger: 40
3) Here Comes Treble: 33
4) The Robbie Whalen Surprise: 26
5) 6 Seconds to Paradise: 22
6) Kuzmkowski Roofing: 15

The final standings were closer than anyone would have guessed. The difference between first place and last place was always very close and down to the wire. This group of competitors was by far the most competitive and well balanced group in the three years that we have been formally holding The Memorial. Congratulations to all involved!

The Dharma Initiative was presented with their hardware and eagerly downed their celebratory beers out of the cup. One more year for the championship trophy to fly out to Denver and remain on Bowler's mantle. And newcomer Rhino was able to wrestle the trophy out of the Appalachains and head back to Austin. It was quite a showing and they absolutely earned the honor!

In another insanely close MVP vote, Bowler wound up runner up again and Rhino took home the honors. In a no brainer, he also won Rookie of the Year. Peezy the Refereezy ran away with Best Dressed as well as The Peezy Award for Best Referee. Big Sweaty made up for the fact that his team finished low, by taking home Best Teammate and Most Enthusiastic. Crazylegs took home Fastest Chug for the bonus beer chug after the Eliminator.

Once the festivities were concluded and awards presented, it was off to Primanti Bros to watch the Pens take it to Carolina. It was a fun night that ended with The King holding his head in his hands for hours and puking all day Sunday. Guffey Cabin was the perfect landscape for the events and looks to become the new home to The Memorial for years to come.

Sunday's festivities included another delicious meal at Dino's, beers, mini golf and Go-Karts at Statler's Fun Center followed by a rousing game of bowling.

Allow me to diagram a simple math equation that was discovered at the lanes: Beers + Biz + Legs = Stripper Time!! A new tradition may have been established as we ordered two strippers to head out to the old barn and entertain us with lap dances. It was an incredible night until my boxers were torn off and my junk was out there for all to see.

Bottom line is: The 2009 Memorial will go down as a major success and will certainly provide a template for years to come as we have successfully added a few new events that took the competition to a new level and incorporated skills that were previously untapped. Not to mention the love of strippers! See you all in 2010!!!!!! Planning begins in a mere four months!!!!